The dedication to happiness is exhausting.
Joy is even harder.
There is a point where it is dragged along your spine,
and slowly tears every layer of skin away.
Happiness, not joy.
Joy is rare, but in the moment it feels eternal.
Happiness is not the same.
It feels temporary.
It's similar to new years,
Counting down 10...9...8...7...6
And then it's over.
Then comes the struggle of achieving it again.
Desperation is sad,
Therefore I am.

That moment of consciously deciding to be happy again is grand.
I haven't been ready for months.
Those moments where my smile illuminated the rest of the world.
Everything was okay.
Dark grins and dark clothes.
The effort is there grasping and begging to be the star
Front centre.
It will be my joy

C'est bon

Everything is grande.
New days, new complaints. Today it is the cold weather.
Bliss.
To be awakened by a cube to the skin.
Defrosting.
Life slowly unravels, to new senses.
New preferences are gifted and given.
Discovery.
Trudging, joy dances with the air that stands still- and I am back.
The difference between religion and spirituality is that those that are religious fear of going to hell, as for those that are spiritual have already been.

Ambitious

I miss the days when ambition was my passion; now it's my passing.
I want to strive for better but not in stake of my well being.
I want to feel love, and acknowledge the beauty.
I don't feel anything for the world anymore.

My courses have really taught me a lot about the world and it make me wonder why.
I understand why its taught, but why the fuck is it taught if theirs nothing to fix.
Hierarchy does the trick.
Makes the choice.
Makes life what it is.

Equality is bullshit, why can't our society run on equity?
Equity is when things will take a lift.
But a majority doesn't realize that anything is wrong.

Fuck it.

Restless

Things are good, but good is worn out.
This search for something bigger and better,
is that possible?
I feel so average.
I feel the glass ceiling- have I always?
This cringing feeling in my heart.
As though it's twisting my muscles and eating my soul.

________________________________________

When I weigh 110 I'll be happy..
When I weigh 105 I'll be happy..
When my hair grows to my hips I'll be beautiful..
When my teeth are white I'll be beautiful
When I get this item of clothing people will notice.
People will notice.

Wishful thinking.
_______________________________________

Ugh.

Haven't done this since Jakob died.. I suppose I'll start again.

I'm not feeling too great emotionally. I'm grateful that physically I'm doing well.
Anyways, my boyfriend sure knows how to stick to his word and get under my skin. (Thanks for helping me out with my resume!)

Seriously, sometimes I wish I wasn't placed on this fucking horrible world.

Then again.. It's only horrible when I perceive it to be? Unless I'm just a realist. LOL.

I feel less than and uncomfortable. It takes 10 outfits for me to feel somewhat okay, and even then I force myself to leave my apartment and see the world.
And that word "apartment"... I fucking hate it. I feel poor. I hate going to my rich friends houses.
I hate seeing my friends leave to universities in different countries. I wish I could do that.. but I can't. I guess I'm just envious.
I need a new fucking job, this one's barely giving me hours.

Let's face it, I'm over reacting; my life's great. Ain't it fun when you can just rage and vent?

Time for a good ol' smoke.

R.I.P.

My heart swam in my throat,
you've prevailed my vocal chords, I can't speak.
You're tongue twisting my mind,
leaving me speechless with a lack of breath.
I'm forgetting.. Words when around you.
I don't know if I like it.
Here I am writing this while you're chatting away.
How can one affect another so much?
I don't want to jump to conclusions and be naive, but I like you.
Yet it's been three months since I've last seen that irresistible charm of yours. 
You bring warmth into my soul.
You're a ray of sunshine, touching all with your golden touch.
Rigorous honesty, you've got me mesmerized.


... 


Jake, I love you buddy, continue being that ray of golden sunshine from up there.
Stay golden.
R.I.P. 

Smoking

Reasons for quitting smoking:
-Teeth will become whiter
-Lungs will be healthy
-Healthier lifestyle
-I don't want to be 70 and still a smoker
-Better to quit now and get it over with
-Ability to smell and taste is enhanced.Once I hit 21 days, my brain will return to the levels of a non-smokerSucks that Jeff and I are both quitting, we are going to be driving each other crazy, but after 2-4 weeks we will be driving ourselves crazy in love.I'm down for up the next few weeks to be filled with agitation and irritability, it'll benefit me and my body in the long run.