Idk what to do with myself..

I'm up every night until 5am, I can't sleep. I hate having insomnia, it physically drains my energy. I hate relying on coffee in the morning to get me through the day, I've relied on enough drugs to deal with life, and at this point I'm sick of it. I quit for a reason, but baby steps right.. Coffee and cigarettes I'm taking you on.
My head hurts, I over think things. I need simplify everything, I feel like an idiot. For starters I should focus on the present, and right now I need sleep, I'm not even making any sense.. I'm just tired.

Just coming to more and more realizations every second of the day and night.

Fuck.. I wish I could sleep like the norms.

What a tongue twister

I like the word "Burglary", if only I could pronounce it..
Alexx, thank you for helping me;

"BURRRR

GA

LER

EEEEE

BUR GA LER Y

BUR GALLERY"

I still can't do it.. time for google translate!
Yeah.. I'm hopeless, I'll just stick with bur gallery

Is there anybody going to listen to my story?

I hate writing about myself, 'cause that would mean I'd have to get in contact with my emotions, and they're are all so new to me. Other than sadness, it's the only one I'm very familiar with. I hate it. It sneaks up on me, no controlling it. I try to always smile when it hurts the most, but when I smile, I only hurts more. I feel lonely, sad, cold, unwanted. Why? Cause I need my family. My dad's leaving me for 4 days.. like I don't see him enough as it is. He's always at work and the cafe, even when I see him, I miss him, I never get to spend any time with him. Since he's leaving tomorrow, I decided to ask him to play some card with me, after 15 minutes of playing, he got tired and requested to go to bed. I'm not the boss of him, and after all, he has to wake up early for work tomorrow, I understand. As for my brother.. Who the fuck is my "brother"? He's just a blood related  family member. It hurts so much that we don't have a normal sister-brother relationship.
A friend and I were talking today, and she made me realize so much within myself, that something's wrong with me. Not directly, but there is a part missing, a part of my brain, a part of me. She can relate, which is why I love talking to her, she understands where I'm coming from. She's a really empathetic, caring and inspiring person,  I want us to talk more, cause I feel better when we do. You're a wonderful human being

See what I mean?

Fixing a hole, where the rain get's in.

Psychological fact; all emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted.
True.
Now, I look at the world through a different perspective. I try to find the small beauties in life. Water being on of them. It gently running down your forehead, to your eyes, and slowly makes its way to your mouth where it drips down your chin, to your neck and so on. Not to mention the sense of purity and peace it gives off. I love it, why must people be high to notice how great and surreal reality can be at times. Better yet, all the time. Everything can be as great as you want if you give it the chance, and change up your perspective for the better. Take mistakes as lessons learned, rather than dwell and distress over them, self-pitying gets you no where. Life's like a natural high, you can't walk a perfect path without a few trips on the way.

Prolapse?

Is this just another relapse? Or a prolapse? I want to consider it a prolapse, but I can't think properly. The more I search, the more it confuses me. "Addiction is the only disease that tells you it is not a disease", how true. I managed to actually convince myself last night that I am not an addict. Now I have convinced myself that I'm an idiot, at least I'm right about something.
I can't remember much, but what I do remember is the way I felt; regret, but in the end, I didn't give a fuck all but I knew something was up, and I couldn't stop it, I was a sinking ship. I couldn't handle it, my head was burning, I couldn't walk, eyes; redder than the devils dick, inebriated, unable to control myself. I thought I was going to get an anxiety attack, thank god for all those breathing exercises that I've learned this past month. All I could wish for was my sobriety. Waking up was a different story, tears all over my face that caused my makeup to smudge, hair messier than sex, along with drums pounding on my head, last night, was not worth it. Throwing away all those days that I put all my effort into. There's time to get back up, and get those days back, stop loafting on my step work, and stay clean. I got to pull through, and pick up from where I left off. Day one, done, now time to settle down.