Happy birthday marvelous Jim <3

My heart's under arrest again

My heart swam in my throat,
you've prevailed my vocal chords, I can't speak.
You're tongue twisting my mind,
leaving me speechless with a lack of breath.
I'm forgetting.. Words when around you.
I don't know if I like it.
Here I am writing this while you're chatting away.
How can one affect another so much?
I don't want to jump to conclusions and be naive, but I like you.
Yet it's been three months since I've last seen that irresistible charm of yours.
You bring warmth into my soul.
You're a ray of sunshine, touching all with your golden touch.
Rigorous honesty, you've got me mesmerized.

I'm just another soul for sale.

It all started with a wave of over indulged emotions crashing into me.
I feel it resting in my heart, gut and throat.
I'm afraid I'm drowning,
what's worse is I'm afraid I like it.
Allow me to organize this demented confusion of mine.
I need water.
A shower allows me to cleanse my worries down the drain,
as for a bath I sit in them,
and let the water gently skim my bark.
Slowly peeling away every layer of pain.
You've allowed me to trust again,
 you've allowed me to see there is good in people,
you've opened my eyes,
you are incredible.

Waiting on a heartbeat

Can anybody hear me? No.
I'm there to provide a shoulder to all,
I want to see everyone happy, I like happiness.
Why is it when I need a shoulder, there's no one to provide one?
I love seeing you at your fullest utter of joy 
Why can't you be happy for me oppose to being envious for once?
I've been through fucking hell and back and hell again.
My heart's swimming in my throat,
I'm dying.
When the going get's tough,
the going gets going.
With that said, I'm gone.

http://instantpalmreading.com/

You are a warm person who is affectionate and emotional.
You are very emotional, especially when it comes to love.
You are a thorough and careful thinker.
You have a clear thought process.
You love to be active and love being outside.
You are independent and follow your own path.
You are great at forming your own ideas.
You tend to be indecisive and regret your decisions.
You are confident and able to take charge.
You are having temporary emotional or sexual difficulty.
You are frail and have delicate health.

I was guilty of having a filthy soul,
so I cleansed it down the drain.

Dream Big

Welcome to a place where nightmares are the best part of my day, and dreams of the night.
I decay by second, yet bliss is present.
Asphisciate the universe, perception.
One consumes only what is shown?
Y U SO BLUNT?
Why not add some depth into the contemporary?

Farsightedness is what's missing.
Dare to be fair?
Release that self-centered ego of yours,
for that will only get you off pace.
You'll lose your bone, then what?
Self-pitying?
Off track, path to salvation, extraordinary, or is it ordinary?
Which brings me back to world of misery.. Inhumane.
Savour, embrace, seize momentarily, every moment.
Lasting the moment,
I'm last in this moment.
The universe is my limit.

“At the end, all that’s left of you are your possessions. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never been able to throw anything away. Perhaps that’s why I hoarded the world: with the hope that when I died, the sum total of my things would suggest a life larger than the one I lived.”

Patience

Patience is a virtue.
FEAR
Fuck Everything and Run or..
Face Everything and Recover.
Obstacles= Strength, work it if you're worth it.
Am I?
"You'll be alright, kid."
"Is that an empty promise?"
"I try not to make those anymore. There's two people here right now, only one of which knows who you are."
"I don't doubt that seeing as I barely know who I am."
"You're too blunt, do your steps, you'll find the core to your problem."
This guy man, he's charming, exquisite, overall, wow.
What an inspiration.
I discover ourselves through the past and external forces,
I need to discover through myself.
Good things come with those who wait among it.
I sure hope so.

Eternal sunshine of the fucked up mind.

This concept has left me wandering.
Devote emotions to the soul, yet devise them in the mind.
This persona I've developed.. Is it even a persona?
I'm frazzled, literally, everything feels too real, surreal.
People judge too quick, why?
Open-mindedness is what I desire, give all a chance,
give all respect, even those whom degrade themselves in all.
Why? I don't know.
Alright, so why am I writing this?
Right right, I have secrets, that are keeping me sick.
Maybe by letting them out here, it will help a tad.
There's a hole within my soul.
I need to fill it with artificial materialistic things to get some sort of satisfaction.
I am obsessive and compulsive.
I am as always confused, like a lost puppy wandering the streets.
Everything's so new to me, but I like it.
Anything to get away from my eerie past.
I have a fear of telling people I'm a drug addict, and all the other shit that's gone down in my life.
They'll run the other direction, I know it.
Why would they want to stick around a crazy fucked up person like me?
They wouldn't.
Not only am I self-destructive, but I destruct all around me, not intentionally.
This guy.. I want to cut it off, but I know I'm just over thinking things,
I'm not exactly myself right now. I'll regret it if I do choose to do anything.
Incidentally, I'm fucked, and will continue to sail along my lake of miserably joys.

Happy Birthday

Wow, I can't believe it's already your 2nd birthday without you physically being here, with me. I miss you tremendously, wow, I never thought I'd ever miss someone this much, ever.. Things are so different, but you probably already know that. I wish we could physically talk today, but since we can't, I pray for  some signs that you're still around. I wish I could get to know you now. Instead I have to solve this difficult jigsaw puzzle by collecting my memories from the past, and objects of yours that you left behind around the house today. So far from what I can tell and remember, you were wonderful, so inspirational to me all in all. I really pray to get all your good characteristics someday.
You are a beautiful rose in my life, better yet a tulip, or diamond. You are the one that keeps me safe, I love you.
Shine on you crazy diamond, shine on.
Love,
Ella Gutman <3