This blog entry isn't going to make much sense, I'm just rambling about God knows what, after all, my mind is a distorted puzzle, so I better start solving.
Decisions, I find it crazy how every single thing one does is a decision. I mean an action is an action in itself. Half measures availed nothing, so go big or go home.
Sleep, the little slices of death. Last night, I had a crazy dream or nightmare.. I've been dreaming a lot lately, mostly about using, but last night I popped M, by the time someone got me water, the gel capsol had already disolved. That bitter salty taste of the crystals were absorbed into every pore in my mouth. It was disgusting, so I finally got some water, swallowed half, the rest that I couldn't swallow I spat out. The guilt and remorse I felt afterwards was incredible, "I'm back at day one!" "Am I going to follow through with my OD plan?" "Should I just get back on track?" Even in my dream, the frenzy was stronger than ever, I couldn't get enough.
I'm actually getting choked up writing about this. That's my fear right there, of using again, throwing my life away, yet again. I like having morality, and a spiritual life to rely on. I'm grateful, that's all.
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