Fear fear fear fear...........fuck it

My ear listening to every heart beat coming from your chest. This movie was really fucked up, but I felt safe in your arms though. Now, I know that sounds cheesy, but nonetheless, I've never felt that comfortable with someone. Your charm is frightening.. Fear is the heart of love.. So I never went back. I've never been in love, so why fear everything. I've conquered physical pain, time to conquer emotional.. I'm going for it.
Alright, I'm getting ahead of myself. I really did have a good night. I really hope we will chill again. I really hope things work out. I really hope you'll like me for me and expect nothing more.

I just hope..

Back to the beginnning

Let go of the ego, I swear it's not that difficult.
Why am I so hypocritical? Thinking I can be drunk to make a good impression?
 I had a good night though.. But I am also picking up from where I left off.
Honestly, I'm young, once in a while it really isn't that bad, especially for my age.
I am still trying to be better person than who I was yesterday, it's all I can do.
I finished my exams, so that means it's time to relax.
It's the time to dedicate my time to my tattoo and my thoughts.
My tattoo means the world to me, all I do is take care of it..
I love it so much, it reminds me of you everyday. It's as beautiful as you.
Every time I listen to Vincent by Don Mclean it reminds me of you,
You were really too good for this world, too beautiful,
I love you,
Keep on shining you crazy diamond, you're always here with me,
Always. 
My thoughts are so scattered at the moment, I know this doesn't make too much sense.

I woke up and thought of you

I miss you so, even now, I can't believe you're gone. Gone forever, physically. Mentally, you're always by my side, through thick and thin, you're here. You've taught me so much, without the awareness of doing so. I'm not elated that you're gone, however I am that I got the chance to grasp the understanding of life to such a greater extent. I'm being the best person I can be, for you and for me. I feel as though you've become a part of me.. Unless that's just a desire. How far or wide off you are in the universe, I hope you're doing well.
Keep on shining you crazy diamond.
    Love,
         Ella Gutman

I'm no good at titles.

Idk what's been up with me lately. Once again I come home feeling down on myself. This isn't a pitty blog though. It's a realization one. I noticed for the past few parties, my high lights of the night have either been helping clean the house, talking to the parents, and helping out drunk infants. This particular party however, I did all three, I loved it. I love helping others, it makes me feel good. Which I know sounds selfish in a sense, but it's a win-win situation, I help one, and at the same time enjoy it. It permits me to feel like I am on this planet of misery for a reason. I've believed that I have been put here to help others. However, I must put myself first, I must be happy with myself before I can lift everyone else. At this party, I wanted to cry. I don't even understand why, whether it was because people were telling me how strong I am, or just how proud they are of my sobriety. Whichever it was, I was in sorrow. I just needed to shred a tear, it's such a relief when I do. I don't approve of crying, I feel like there's no reason to cry after the trauma's that I've been through, but I just need to remember, at times it's good to, even healthy in a sense.
Overall, I am proud of myself for staying clean, 35 days and counting.
Staying strong, staying positive, and living out everyday to the fullest, keeping my mom proud, and loving it.

I'm naive..

I've finally managed to finish my ISP. FINALLY. I'm pretty happy about that..
But now, there's something else that's bothering me, I finally got a chance to know SG and he's really fascinating. Really mysterious, someone that I'd like get to know better. I now came to realize though, that why would someone like him go for someone like me? I'm actually a little intimidated, he's so different, but down to earth which I like. Now that I told him that I can't bring him to C's party, I think I fucked things up. I hope everything will work out.

LMFAO

V: hey

E: ohey

V: haha

this is random

as hell

E: i know

V: BUT

i'd like to make a stencil

of your face

LOL

E: LOLOL

i dont even know what to say to that... hahahah

V: lmao idk like

procrastination of my homework

has gotten to such an extent like i dont even know

how i came across this idea

E: ..to the extent where you want to stencil my face

LOL umm, i mean go for it dude! whatever helps you sleep at night..

V: i was photoshoping a picture of you

for like 30 min

NOT TO SOUND CREEPY..

hahahaha

i think itd be a good stencil

:)

E: could i perhaps see this wonderful photoshopped picture?

and which picture did you even use?

E: http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs002.ash2/33444_454848592766_509707766_5295406_7703496_n.jpg

this onnnnne

ALRIGHT, LOL, WHAT A FUCKING RANDOM CONVERSATION!
Alexx, this is too fucking funny, agreed?

You sicken me

Coffee, I'm done with you. I'm no longer relying on you to keep me awake throughout the day. Now, you're causing me to have the worst headaches. However I promise, we'll party together.

It's not me, it's you.

So,

there's this boy..

Idk

So ever since I shaved the side of my head, it took away 70% of my ego. I don't feel as good about myself as I use to. I remember the reason why I chose to do it, is to show that I have no ego, and that everyone should be rated on their personality rather than looks, but who am I kidding.. the ego's the hardest thing to get rid of. Hey, don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate everything about myself. The 30% goes to my sobriety and effort on being a better person. I try, everyday I fucking try harder and harder to perfect myself. But what I keep forgetting is one's perfect, can be destruction for another. You can't please everyone, but I do know I have to be pleased with myself to make it. Looks complete the package.. but hopefully I'll get mine back soon, and if not, hopefully I'll let go of my ego by then.. We'll see what's in store for me.

My ears got fucked

My ears haven't been working properly for the past while, I notice I talk a lot quiet towards others because it's so loud in my head. I hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears constantly, I know this isn't normal, but I'm starting kind of like it..

You!

Yes you! You are nonsense.

One day I'm gonna lose the war.

I'm feeling really uncomfortably numb.. I don't like it. Once again, on a mission to discover what these exact "feelings" are.. Feeling..s.. fuck them. One second I'm feeling good next feeling great.. then bam I wanna cry. I wish I could leave them behind like I do everyday. I focus on others, I observe, learn, and I help. I give what I've learned to make others lives easier, I like to watch others succeed.. Where does that leave me. I wish I could care for myself as much as I do for others..  I want a lot.. I just want to be happy.

I got the geepers

Scary movies are funny, until my paranoia kicks in at night..

Shine

A wise lady once told me "When something goes wrong for those that have it all, it feel like the end of the world, like they have lost it all. When someone owns nothings, and is given the smallest possession, it feels like they've gotten everything in the world." The first half sounds ridiculous, but it is pure ignorance and greed. We must have no expectations, then happiness will come with whatever life throws our way.

I can't sleep.

From rejection to connection,
Fear of living to face another day.
Day's with need for direction,
Life's a game I'm practicing to play.

Continuing to decay,
Je créerai ma propre dossier,
The only way to convey a bad replay.
Sans se cacher, I'll slay they.

The peace and purity absorbed from others,
To give what was taken.
From one to another, we must not suffer.
When craven, becomes pagan, then follow Satan.
The past has past, now all is straighten.

Spirituality, morality, empathy, reality.
Unfold path, unfold.
What's in store for me?
The untold; show me mold, show me gold,
Whatever it may be, may it be bold.

I await to see,
Where lies my grand prix.
No materialism I ask,
To toss my flask, and remove the mask.

Wake up to another day, with enlightment in eyes,
From lows to highs, I've gained a prize.
From "Why's" to wise,
All the disguise managed to compromise.

Over here, there are no goodbye's,
Only if it returns to hi's,
In order to arise,
Let's remain allies. 

To keep in store peace,
Continue to increase,
Expand and control the brain,
Let go of the ego, and don't be so vain.

I'll edit this tomorrow, I'm too tired right now.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Melatonin.. I hope you work tonight.

Called the cops on my tenant, shows her.

I want to say one more last thing
I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time
I'll give it right back to ya one of these days

Heal and grow

I wanted love, I needed love..
I want to experience something new this year, something that I've never gotten to experience before. I don't even feel love from my family, none. I remember going to New York a while back to visit my family whom I haven't seen in years. There I felt love. Love that I haven't felt since my mom was around. I haven't felt nurtured in so long. I've had to raise myself since my mom first got sick.. Whatever, what's done is done, and everything happens for a reason. After all, there are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth. I'm not too sure what to expect this year, I just hope that its better than my last..